


Craig Tucker Hates Green Beans

by PBJellie



Category: South Park
Genre: Characters Reading Fanfiction, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Parody, basically a shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 22:02:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14482128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PBJellie/pseuds/PBJellie
Summary: Someone reads that Craig Tucker hates green beans. It's written down on the internet, so it must be true.





	Craig Tucker Hates Green Beans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rachhell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachhell/gifts).



“Tucker,” Cartman said through a mouthful of soggy fries, “do you even wake up in the morning and just hate how much of a fucking queermo you are?” 

“What?” He asked, flinching as bits of spittle flew across the cafeteria. Tweek was jittering in his lap, as was typical, even though we’ve never seen them that way in the show. 

“You’re just like,” Cartman “you’re so fucking gay. I’d hate being that gay.”

“Don’t,” Tweek twitched, eyes slamming shut. He gripped onto Craig’s jacket like a life raft, because everyone knows that Tweek cannot function on his own. “Don’t, nnn, don’t touch my Craig.” 

“No one’s touching your boyfriend. They’re so gay, right, guys?” Cartman asked, elbowing Kyle in the ribs. Kyle glared, red hair sticking out from under his hat. “I read a fic, that’s fiction, just fyi.” 

“I know what a goddamn fic is,” Kyle shouted, then defeated, slammed his head on the table. “Everyone knows,” he groaned. 

“As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted,” Cartman restarted, “I read a fic, and it said Craig hated green beans, so that must be true.”

“Yeah,” Clyde interjected, slamming his chocolate milk down, “if one person wrote it then it must be undeniable fact. Look, he didn’t get the green beans for lunch.” 

Everyone knew that the green beans tasted like dirty dishwasher and dead leaves, but that was beside the point. 

“Clyde, you’re an idiot,” Craig flipped him off with both hands. Tweek just jittered pathetically as the others talked. That’s all Tweek ever does in these sorts of things. Why break the mold? Because again, if one person wrote it, it must be true. 

“Well I read a fic,” Token said, startling everyone at the table just by the fact that he was present. “And it said that Tweek was a top.” 

“Nu-uh,” Cartman shouted, “Tweek is the girl, for sure.” 

“F-f-fellas,” Jimmy added, “I read a fic, and they were vers, which means, ver-ver-ver-, ver-ver-ver-, vuh-ver-vuh, switches.” 

“We’re ten,” Craig groaned. 

“But it’s written down, your future is planned,” Clyde argued. 

“I don’t want to know the future, man! That’s too much pressure!” 

“Clyde makes a good point,” Stan said, letting his urge to always have the moral high ground and defend the downtrodden overtake him. It was hard to pick between the gays and the stupid, but he decided the stupid needed more help. “Don’t you like, like ever wish you were normal?” 

“Yes!” Tweek shrieked, burrowing into Craig’s jacket like a small mammal. “I wish I was normal all the, ngh, all the, nnnn, all the time!” 

“Yeah, but you’re a fucking freak,” Cartman shrugged, “like of course you’d want to be a straight dude and reap all the assorted privileges that come with holding the high stance in society. That’d be almost too weird, if you didn’t.” 

“Well,” Clyde mumbled, looking to Stan for reassurance, “I think that if someone wrote it then it must be true. That’s how writing works.” 

“Fine,” Craig sighed, unable to look down because Tweek had climbed underneath his shirt, resting his head beneath Craig’s chin. “I will say I hate myself for being gay, if you just shut up.” 

“But you shouldn’t hate yourself,” Clyde cried, making enough noise to startled Tweek, who jumped and made Craig bite his tongue. “You should love yourself just the way you are, even if all major outlets for media say you shouldn’t.” 

“Yeah,” Kyle chimed in, seeing an opportunity to give a speech. “You should love yourself, and never talk about the bad things you feel, even in so called safe spaces, because that bums people out. Your job as a marginalized member of society is to put on your best face at all times. It is your job, and your job alone, to make sure that those in positions of power in our social hierarchy see you as deserving of having your stories told. At the end of the day, it falls on you to advocate for all gay people, because as we know, it’d be too much trouble to ask straight people to make more than one gay friend to get multiple views on the same subject.” 

“We’re, ngh, friends!” Tweek shouted, still stuck to Craig. 

“Are we though?” Kyle asked. He didn’t leave time for Tweek to answer, because he wanted to give another self indulgent speech. “You only got to come back because you’re dating Craig. We didn’t seek you out before then, and when you inevitably break up we will choose Craig over you, like always. Because you are portrayed as the more effeminate in the couple, and as the saying goes-” 

“Bros before hoes!” Clyde shouted, holding his hand out for a high five that Craig did not return. 

“That’s being a bad ambassador to gay culture,” Cartman said. 

“I would hate that,” Craig said, sarcastically. He did not high five Clyde.

“Just like you hate yourself,” Cartman smirked. “I rest my case.”


End file.
